I looked at my own cervix.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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