you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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