VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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