i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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