the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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