OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
