Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
