Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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