I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Randomize
