He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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