also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
