i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
