Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
