it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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