You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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