you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
