i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
