Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
