I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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