I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
This toilet bowl is my home.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
