So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
