dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
