Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
