I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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