shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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