I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
not ubering you a puppy
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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