Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
