Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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