i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
