My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
