I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
