I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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