My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
even my farts smell like vagina
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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