I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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