I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
where are my eyebrows?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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