does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
