Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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