my phone needs a breathalizer
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
We're too hungover to prance.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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