I met the friendliest cop last night
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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