Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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