There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
