When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
