I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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