Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
