So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
