if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
