Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
