Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
he shaved USA in his pubs
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
