I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
