I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Randomize
