Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I puked a lego.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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