My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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