She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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