Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
