I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Randomize
