there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
