i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
