Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
